MarySue GIARVRHGS Dumbledore
by SilverOrb
Summary: Along comes a MarySue who has to rely on her own abilities, despite the lack of it, to ensnare the Harry Potter's angst filled heart. A Parody.


"Hello, everyone! My name is Mary-Sue Gywnneth Isis Aphrodite Rowena Venus Ravenclaw Hufflepuff Gryffindor Slytherin Dumbledore. I am Albus Dumbledore's secret love-child, heir of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. I am also an animagus. Isn't that totally cool? I can change into a Welsh Green/Swan/Owl/Eagle/Hippogriff anytime I want. I can also read people's minds! I am an Empath and I automatically know everyone's secrets, loves and hatred. I am also a true Diviner and I can real prophecies that will play a gigantic part in this story!

"Although I am in Gryffindor, I must tell you the Sorting Hat was rather confused because it said that I am too loyal, ambitious, smart and courageous to be in one of the houses - but I asked the Sorting Hat to put me into Gryffindor and it agreed because we're the best of friends! Actually, I already took all my O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s and received the highest results any magical person alive has ever achieved but since I fainted for most of my last year in Salem Institute I decided to retake my seventh year at Hogwarts for no apparent reason. I hope we'll all be friends!"

Everyone in The Great Hall sat in stunned silence, looking at the willowy, curvaceous, gorgeous, goddess-look-a-like with silken golden locks that shimmered. She had doe like blue eyes with golden flecks that matched her hair. She was wearing the shortest skirt that was ever recorded in Hogwarts, A History.** (The previous record was five inches long)** All the males** (and notably some females)** in the Great Hall, even the first years were staring lustily at the beautiful girl in front of them - more than they ever did for any Veela.

Unfortunately for them, Mary-Sue Gywnneth Isis Aphrodite Rowena Venus Ravenclaw Hufflepuff Gryffindor Slytherin Dumbledore had eyes only for one particular person – her one true love. She walked towards the Gryffindor table with a shy smile - her vivid blue eyes fixed on emerald ones. Their gazes at each other would have nauseated every single living being **(and even those who were not **(living, I mean) if it was not Mary-Sue Gywnneth Isis Aphrodite Rowena Venus Ravenclaw Hufflepuff Gryffindor Slytherin Dumbledore's perfect self. Instead of vomiting, some of her admirers broke down into tears. There were a few who went into catatonic state due to the depression that there was a possibility Mary-Sue didn't like them. The heterosexual females just sighed sadly and looked sadly at Harry Potter despite the fact that they never had any interest in him before. They longed of being with the devastatingly sexy, alluring bad-boy, fantastically tanned, gorgeously muscled Harry Potter so much their very bones seemed to ache – even though Harry Potter wasn't any of above.

The Welcome feast soon ended, leaving the House Elves to figure out something to do with the humongous amount of the remaining food. **(The students were too depressed to eat and Harry and Mary-Sue were too busy staring at each other to consume relevant calories needed for the day)** They also had to repair a large hole in the table cloth in Hufflepuff as well as one of the boys had went temporarily insane and began gnawing at the table cloth once he saw Mary-Sue and had to be escorted to the Hospital Wing.

She knew it wasn't actually a really good thing to do. But Harry was under a lot of stress, and only she could help. No one else could, it was all up to her **(at least that was what she repeatedly told herself)** - it was why Jane had decided to brew the love potion and spiked it into the pumpkin juice. She made sure that the House Elves gave the love potion to the teachers as well, so that she could get away with anything – everything. Jane knew that the love potion would only affect hormonally unbalanced adolescents. **(At least the ones who were interested with people of her gender) **It only would subtly affect the staff, making them feel unexplained fondness towards her. Platonic fondness – she learnt her lesson when she went to the LOTR universe.

Jane was her real name. It seemed very plain, nothing unique that made her stand up in the crowd. However, she thought Mary-Sue would be a rather quirky name. She couldn't decide on a middle name and ended up stringing all of them along. She also managed to Memory Charm Dumbledore **(it wasn't difficult - he was growing old after all)** and made him so befuddled that when she said she was his daughter that he just smiled goofily and said: "I'm sorry. You must have such a sad childhood – without a constant supply lemon drops since I didn't know you and all… Please take one."

She wasn't this beautiful before, but a wad of **(fake)** cash and a few dozen plastic surgeries seemed to help her rather admirably. Her skin felt like latex but she didn't care - as it was the complexion she had always dreamt of. After all, one must endure pain to receive beauty – or something philosophical like that.

Her seemingly flawless dueling techniques were accomplished by vials of boosting potion and a few very strategically placed Confundus. Mary-Sue's ability in answering questions that Hermione Granger had never heard before was achieved by planting very complicated sounding **(but actually really ridiculous) **questions about make-believe animals into the professors' minds with a very stealthy use of Legilimency.** (It was obtained by killing one of a very skilled wizard-psychology doctor and using Dark Magic to transfer it to her. She had to plant a few dozen Memory Charms because of that.) **Hermione Granger probably couldn't guess that those questions were based on a nine year-old's imagination. **(Stolen from the poor kid's diary)**

However, one would be rather confused on how Mary-Sue managed to plan ingeniously when she had the mental capability of a six year old. In fact, it was because she had obtained a book that many girls like her had in the world: "**_I'm, like incredibly perfect! A guide to being the perfect person_™**– **by Mary-Sue LII (Mary-Sue the 52nd)**"

Mary-Sue was actually only attracted to the colourful pictures at first, **(like all the girls before her)** until she learnt how to read. **(Which was a recent development) **It taught her everything from putting her shoe on the correct foot to the art of eating without choking.

It was really difficult, learning all those skills. But after many intensive months of training, she had managed to master all the charms she needed. **(It took a long time mainly because she kept holding her wand the wrong way and ended up cursing herself)**

Harry Potter was her present interest because he was currently attracting attention from almost everyone in the HP universe. He also had quite a number of rivals and enemies which she could spend loads of time with and make him jealous. Everything was placed so perfectly, it couldn't be better if she had planned it herself. **(Which she technically did)** Mostly, it was according to her copy of **"I'm, like incredibly perfect!"** that she chose Harry Potter. If not for that book, she couldn't even pronounce Harry's name properly. **(She somehow used to call Harry Potter; He-ruh-he Peter)**

Now she was prepared.

Now she could dominate the HP universe.

Until, of course; the next Mary Sue comes along.


End file.
